Saturday, December 6, 2008

Christmas In Ida

as usual it snowed..and was cold for the parade....but this year we were prepared with the yes I know very "sexy" hat and scarfs...
and we are almost embarrased to admit that we didn't even stay for the parade...we walked around and looked at all the vendors...she ordered some french fries....and then when we realized we still had about an hour and a half til' the parade....we decided to go home....
so we picked up some subway....their chicken salad is awesome by the way...and came home and watched a dvd...the happening...it was so scary...seriously I had my eyes covered a couple of times.....but it was that scary in a weird way
....so we had fun tonight...and let me tell you I needed it!! been fighting feelin' the blues lately.....the best way to explain it...is I feel like the "real" staci died right along with Ed....and now..I am still functioning.....living each day...doing what I am supposed to...but it's just a shell of this new me, who is cold and distant...I feel like..I don't really feel anything...unless it's heartache over not having ed...I stare at my christmas tree trying so hard to feel that ....spark of christmas...but I don't...I don't feel anything....I don't know how...to enjoy life without him...he left me...he promised to be here...and to always take care of me...last night I cried so hard ...just begging him to come back.....I'm just tired of being alone...tired of being in charge...tired of being the only adult....I want to fall asleep in his arms tonight....and for him to whisper that everything is going to be alright.....I almost wish I could borrow.....or rent...someone elses hubby for a few nights..(get your mind out of the gutter) just to have a body (by the way he would have to be chubby..) someone to use to fall asleep next to...but what good does this do me...he's not coming back, I will never hear him whisper anything to me again....and I will never fall asleep in his big caring arms.....so I will keep going on...waiting for the day...I feel again....sorry didn't mean for this rant ...but it always helps when I just put it out there.....good night


7 comments:

Sarah said...

Aw, Staci... I admire your honesty in these posts. I think about you and pray for you all the time. (((HUGS)))

Lal said...

I hope and pray that God will give you the peace and comfort that you need. ((HUGS))

MS Maass if your nasty said...

Big Hugs Staci.

Sandi Arnold said...

Your still greiving over the loss of your true love, Ed. It really takes time...and I honestly think you are doing well, it sucks when your an only parent (I know I been there too)So you post away and call me anytime..it's okay to ask for our help...that's why they call us friends! Always thinking of you and the girls!

Babydoll said...

Sounds like fun even though you didn't stay for the parade! At least you got great pics!! LOL!! Stop by my blog for a give-away!

Michelle said...

sending some cyber (((hugs))) to you...

Lara said...

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you and your girls. Losing a loved one is heartbreaking. I also think about those of us that may never have 'that' type of love. Yes, I've loved and been loved, and am in love now, but I don't know that it is or has been like what you describe. Hugs from NZ.