Friday, June 20, 2008

"WARNING" i'm in a mood!!!!

My dad came across this old picture probably about 9 or 10 years old.....and gave it to me...on my birthday......so last night...I am in a pissed off/hate everything mood....and let's just say I didn't sleep a wink!!!
so now I am going to rant....
I am sick of putting on my fake I'm okay smile!!!
how are you doing??? we're doing great......liar!!!
I hurt so bad....next friday will be 8 months....which makes it..only 4 months till it will be a year without him.......a year..are you kidding me?
I think last night....was almost like a tantrum..why him?? why my husband?? I need him.....I can't find any joy in life...I feel like I am done...

lil' mikey was swinging on the back porch with me the other day....and I am teasing him...and he's laughing and swinging...and I was laughing...but it wasn't real.....it's like I am forcing myself to try and be happy...or make it seem like I am...and this is with a 2 year old....

okay I am almost done......on fathers day, a lady from my church called the house just to say that the church had prayed for us, and they all had Edward on their minds.........and I got off the phone and cried...for 2 reasons....one I felt the love...from the church...the other...was that I am sad...that certain family members ( I think we're still family) can't do....I wonder do they think about our girls....and did they care that it was their first fathers day without him.....wouldn't they've of liked to get a call from their grandpa and uncle.......I guess I am lucky that I have my dad and my brother in their lives....How nice it must be to just not come around...and I guess pretend that nothing has changed.....I wish...but I can't do that...cause I wake up to an empty bed........empty house....empty heart......every fuckin' day...for the last 8 months!!!

okay...I feel a little better....that will be $50.....
and to torture myself even more.....I went and visited my old blog......june 2007... http://www.myscrapblog.com/Cflattop/14457/ tonee' graduated, the graduation party, the candle party..........going to the beach...just happy...It is nice to have an online diary to go back and take a peek at your life.....

15 comments:

Jaime Lynne said...

I wish I could do or say something to make it better... to bring him back.

I adore you, Flattop! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Stacey said...

(((((hugs)))))) I don't know what to say, except Like Jaime, I just adore you.....

Anonymous said...

Go ahead let it all out! We will all still love you even if you are in a "mood" I love you!


Jeniece

Anonymous said...

I'm getting a case of Boone's Farm and I'm coming over....

Alison

Carmen Olson said...

Hugs you're in my thoughts and prayers Staci!

Sarah said...

You're entitled to be in a mood whenever you want sugar! I wish I could come over there and give you the biggest hug... for what its worth, that is the most beautiful picture, you can just feel the love!

Anonymous said...

You do what you need to. Yell, scream, cry, make crank calls (ok, not with Caller ID anymore...)or whatever. Anyone in your life worth anything knows you're not going to be "ok" for a long time...yes, life goes on, but it's not the same...and take Allison up on the Boones and the visit...and invite me too (well, some one has to take photos!)

-Lori

Robin said...

You don't need to apologize one bit...you need to vent, to be angry to let out your frustration. We will all listen and we won't say it will be ok, because those aren't the words you want to hear...things aren't ok and you have every right to yell it out, cry it out. It sucks, it isn't fair. Just know that you do have support and friends that love you very much.

Kip said...

I'm so sorry Staci and wish there was something I could do to help but here's a hug. It doesn't seem like it now but there will come a day when you feel real happiness again, really.

Benita said...

{{{{Staci}}}} Gosh girl, I wish I could give you a hug right now! You know that you are always in my thoughts & you can vent to me anytime! I know what it's like to lose someone you love, someone that you're so close to! It's okay to not be okay. Everyone grieves differently.

Will you be going to Scrappy Chic tomorrow (Saturday) for their sale? I'm thinking about heading out that way & would love to see you if you go.

Hugs,
Benita

Jenny said...

{many hugs to you} Staci. It's probably very healthy to throw a tantrum. I wish things were different. I am glad you have this great blog to get it out. {hugs}

Michelle said...

I say vent, cry, have a fit - it is better than keeping it all inside....so wish there was something I could say or do to help...just know you are in my prayers and I really admire you a ton...

{{{hugs}}}

Kelley P said...

(((Staci))) your post really hits home with me. I lost my dad at the same time you lost your husband. I know it was my Dad and not my husband but I feel what you feel. It doesn't seem right. It's like really they aren't here to listen, say stupid things, make you shake your head, make you crazy, they just aren't there and that sucks in such a big way. So go ahead and vent and let it out. You deserve to be angry, confused, pesimistic, and even happy if you want. Those feelings are all okay. Just go with them as you try to heal. Ed just wants you to find happiness where you can find it. Even if that means in a the smallest thing like the color of your car or the color of you hair that day. Peace and healing sent your way!!!

Anonymous said...

You rant all you want...that's what we are here for...YOU!!! You'll always miss him...but time does ease it some...I wish I could have talked to my mom on Thursday, Dark Day at our house...and she was my go to person. Love you tons...and anytime call me and I'll be there! L...Sandi

ALLY said...

You can rant... you can cry... you do whatever your heart feels. Just feel. It's okay! We're all here to listen sweetheart! BIG GIGANTIC HUGS Staci! Hope today's a better day.