Wednesday, June 25, 2008

this is where the magic happens'.....

I accepted that I am a messy scrapper.....but it's starting to take over....a little...so I hope to clean it up a little today.....so at least I have a spot to scrap...on my table... it's kinda funny to look at my table from this view.......I mean what's with the lotion? how long has that cup been hiding behind my mags?? and maybe it's time to do something with the roses that Ed sent me for sweetest day?? they're on my top shelf....and ever so often the petals just start dropping....the poor things are just......so pitiful....but they still sit...in the vase with his card that says "love ed".....but they've been in there for 8 months....yikes!! and I wish my typewriter had a permament home....usually I put it under the table until I need it.... oh you thought that was it.....nope...it has grown onto my bed......behind me...I've started to put a box together of stuff I don't love anymore...for the next yard sale at scrappy chic....so that should help...clear out some stuff.....I started hanging stuff back on my shelf...with the clips...and told myself that stuff should only be up here...if I want to hump it......if I don't want to hump you....you will not be up here.....so that helped me let go of some stuff....so hopefully I will be able to clean this up a little...bad thing is I start to organize and then I come across some great thing...I forgot and before I know it ....I'm scrappin'
took sommer to her first IKEA trip.....she loves it..and just wants to move into those lil apts they set up....picked up a couple baskets to help organize...and a frame....for my pub...in somerset memories...gonna put the cover in it..and then I stumbled across these yummy.....postcards...but I think they would be cute in black frames too...but they completely inspire me!!!!

I feel like the people I love sense when I am not in a good place.......maybe I don't hide things as well as I think I do...but yesterday...was just a day...I had to fight through...nothing major happened...just felt so weak...kept telling myself...I just can't do this....I feel like I am getting weaker not stronger with time....when I was at the balloon release I met a woman who lost her husband nov 10 of last year....and before I said anything...she said to me ...that it's not getting easier...you feel like you're coming out of a fog....and stepping into this awful reality.....that's it exactly!!! Why can't I just accept the reality and move on?? I can't change it!! so why can't I imagine the future..?? I try...nothing!! I see nothing!! I don't want to be in charge anymore....I don't want to be the only adult...I want someone to take care of me....to hold me...to tell me everythings going to be alright.......I just feel like I am done...and everyday that passes...is just one day closer to being with him...and I don't want to live that way....I want to look forward to being with him again someday...but also enjoy life here....now..

I hate when I feel this way......



9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know what I'm talking about, but here's my thoughts...don't feel weak because you are grieving your husband! You love him, of course you are going to miss him and not picture life without him. I admire that love. And it hasn't even been that long, Staci. And you are strong because, even though you don't feel like taking care of business and being the only adult, you do it. You take care of the girls. At least that's what I see in your blog posts.

Now, about the scrap space...scary! Is that what I have to do to create beautiful pages like you do?!

Alison

MS Maass if your nasty said...

Oh Staci, I want to jump in my car and come give you a big hug. I wish I could take your pain away, just know that I'm thinking about you!

Carla said...

Maybe it's because reality SUCKS...

I think it's only natural that some days are going to be better then others.

I know that's how it is for me. One day at a time seems to work...
Most days I find myself feeling angry and empty I hate feeling this way.

I feel like a part of me has changed and I really need to try and get it back. My dad wouldn't want me to live like this. I feel so cold some days... SUCKS

Scrap Evangel said...

I'll remember you in my prayers. I'll ask the Heavenly Father to hold you and let you know that everything is will be okay. Peace, Comfort and Blessings to you in Jesus name. Amen.

Anonymous said...

It's a process and your doing it...naturally it takes time...and you'll get to the place you where it feels better and you can see ahead and remember the past with happiness...hang in there...we love you! Glad to see you cleaning out the scrap space...mine gets messy when I create..but I love to come into a cleaned space and create. Sandi

Evelyn said...

I think you are doing a great job holding it together. With the girls and taking care of your family, you are a very strong woman. Could it be you're more anxious because of the headstone? There is a finality in that the stone is placed and now it seems real. IDK, just a thought.

Your scrap area is a MESS!!! I am so happy!!! Cause mine is a MESS too!!! LOL!!

Kim said...

Hugs Staci...

Kim

jan said...

Life is not always fair...and I believe we just learn how to COPE...we don't get over loss of our loved one because... we loved so deep and therefore we grieve as deep... in order to heal and love again. Staci...sometimes you take it hour by hour and some days are the pits...O.k. "photo girl" take some shots of your girls...and you
and frame them... to give you that hope & passion for every day life and jot down a few of your "future
dreams & hopes" {do a layout of this...hmmm} to keep you inspired and let it be in your home to remind you daily..."I am making it...even when I'm weak"...that is when we really become strong with God's help.Your doing good...and your ok...now clean that area up and post us some new pics of that scrap room...Ha! Love ya, Jan

~Sasha Farina~ said...

I don't know what to say... just sending you some hugs Staci!